Making the first move is not Generation Z’s greatest fear—it’s making the last.
In a world dictated by clicks and swipes, you can meet new people as swiftly as you can get rid of them. But of course, who wants to end up becoming a victim to the latter?
As Gen Zs enter the age of navigating love and romance in the modern culture of online dating, they also come face to face with its consequential evil twin—ghosting. With the increasing trend of cutting ties by simply fading away from online conversations, could Gen Zs be doomed in terms of forming genuine connections?
ID 122 HRIM student Gia described herself as a loving person, who selflessly attended to her partner’s needs before her own. Despite this, she had initiated her first ghosting when the effort and time she gave her “situationship”—an unofficial relationship—was unreciprocated. Her solution: “a kind of open end to the situationship,” she said.
Before disappearing from the circumstance, Gia explained, “I don’t want to stay in the talking stage if it’s already a one-sided thing this early.” She pushed through with her decision to ghost only after she finally convinced herself that “there are more people out there who may work better for me and my emotional needs.”
However, having already invested feelings, she found it quite hard to move on from the fast-burn romance. Yet, spending time with her loved ones and academics served as a healthy coping strategy. Gia also admitted to making happy crushes out of people she found attractive, calling this a bad habit, “I constantly look for someone new to fill a void someone else left behind.”
Meanwhile, ID 120 Film student Francis has been on the receiving end. “Being ghosted was really painful. Being dumped is really hard. Being dumped without a reason is harder,” he said. He found it hard dating an emotionally unavailable person, as he felt like they had different plans for the relationship. More disappointed in himself than his ghoster, he stated how “it felt like I was so desperate for my partner’s love and attention.”
Francis cites his partner’s lack of interest as the reason he was ghosted. To cope, Francis turned to writing songs, calling this his “peak catharsis.” Although strenuous, he noted the constancy of the moving-on process, and that “it shouldn’t be rushed.”
Interestingly, Francis recounted how he too had been a ghoster, for the same reasons he himself was ghosted. “I felt bored because our thing was static. We didn’t have much going on.” Regardless, he admitted he was not spared the guilt after going his own way. He thought he could have been more empathetic towards the other person by talking out their feelings instead.
As it turns out, ghosting is an indicative behavior of emotional unavailability—defined by psychologist Dr. Annie Tanasugarn as the difficulty to process, regulate, and express one’s feelings, as well handle that of others. To spot an emotionally unavailable person, you can observe the depth of how they navigate relationships: If they run away or shut down as they get closer to other people, then they are most likely a part of this demographic.
Ghosting is an indicative behavior of emotional unavailability—the difficulty to process, regulate, and express one’s feelings, as well handle that of others
Moreover, through licensed mental health counselor Jeremy Ortma’s interview with Refinery29, Francis’ sentiment about being left without an explanation becomes clearer. Ortma described ghosting as an act of silently drawing boundaries, stating how “people who struggle with emotional availability tend to ghost when there is a conflict or the interaction begins to feel too intense.”
Gia also revealed that before ghosting, she had been cheated on in a long-term relationship. Based on Dr. Tanasugarn’s emphasis on emotionally taxing events as a possible cause of emotional unavailability, we can see beyond her fear of her partner’s disinterest.
In an article for Medium, Dr. Tanasugarn recalled three insecure attachment styles that are prone to developing emotional unavailability: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (the latter being a mix of the previous two). Since the anxious and avoidant respectively fear rejection and commitment due to unresolved childhood wounds, they are more likely to be unreceptive to their partner’s needs.
Francis may have been in an anxious-avoidant relationship with his ghoster, following the explanation of psychologist Dr. Susan Albers for Cleveland Clinic on the usual situation where ghosting takes place. Francis being ghosted after longing for his partner’s affection is a parallel to the “chase” that happens between anxious and avoidants—when the anxious goes after the withdrawing avoidant, they create an exhausting cycle of push-and-pull before their relationship inevitably halts.
Despite their abrupt end, Gia still wished her situationship partner rest, better days, and their understanding of her decision. Admittedly, she is still open to putting closure to the relationship with the person she ghosted—but she won’t be the one to approach first. Nonetheless, her heartaches came with a lesson: “I need to make sure that I am whole again and that I love myself again before I love other people.”
Francis, on the other hand, has certainly recovered two years after being ghosted. The experience made him “emotionally stronger and more knowledgeable of how to handle certain things in a relationship.” While recognizing his own shortcomings, he only wishes his now-happier ghoster would not inflict the same pain on others. “Being a good person to ourselves and to others isn’t that difficult, so why not do it?”
For “date-to-marry” types like Gia, the difficulty of finding a partner who shares the values is clearly apparent. “Most Gen Zs look for short-term relationships or even mga kalandian alone.” Both she and Francis also agree that dating is supposed to be fun. Nevertheless, with the culture of impermanence on the rise, Gen Zs are reminded of the responsibility that comes with building (and ending) connections.
By digging up the possible roots of ghosting and emotional unavailability, we do not only learn to empathize with those who have wounded us by their abandonment or negligence, we also come face to face with the significance of introspection.
In a time when various forms of distractions seem to be accessible and eternal, contemplating one’s feelings becomes the most uncomfortable—yet rewarding—challenge. Ultimately, how can we meet others when we haven’t even met ourselves?
We may not have the ability to turn back the clock to prevent the pain inflicted during our dating fiascos, but fortunately, we have the rest of our time to heal and learn from them.
